Your quest for perfection is borne out of wanting to feel seen, heard, and validated.

You long to feel loved, connected, and accepted; like you belong.

Your perfectionism tendencies are a collection of learned thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors intended to help you feel the above.

In last week’s newsletter, I introduced the first part of a two-part deep dive into perfectionism and its dark side. 

You can read that here (and should do so before continuing with this week’s newsletter).

Today, we’ll dive into uncovering how, when, and why this perfectionist part of you came to be. Once you understand how this part came to be, and, how it intends to protect you, can you then begin taking action to make peace with this part.

Don’t worry, I’ll walk you through a handful of productive prompts to help you get here.

Reminder: The 10-Day Unstuck Yourself Challenge kicks off on Monday, March 4. 

The 10-Day Unstuck Yourself Challenge is intended to help you understand where, why, and how you're stuck while also empowering you with the awareness, tools, and strategies essential to get unstuck so you can unlock your full potential.

Reserve your spot here.

The Origin of Perfectionism

As a child, you depend on parents or caregivers to meet your most critical needs to stay alive. 

Aside from keeping you fed, hydrated, and sheltered; however, you possess a handful of other unique needs that, when met, allow you to optimize emotional, psychological, social, and physical development. 

These core needs include:

1. Secure Attachment

2. Validation

3. Connection

4. Unconditional Love

5. Acceptance

6. Belonging

When these core needs go unmet, your subconscious mind - whose primary responsibility is to keep you safe and alive - will develop and deploy several behaviors to increase the chance that these needs are met.

(read more about the role and power of the subconscious mind and how it keeps you stuck in a pattern of self-sabotage here).

For instance, if you’re not receiving the attention and connection you need, which is common if you have siblings, you may reflect and note a pattern of acting out that was prominent in your childhood (ages eight to ten for me!).

This collection of behaviors was an attempt by your subconscious mind to get you more attention. And, to be frank, it likely worked - even if getting in trouble at school or home got you the wrong kind of attention, you still got attention and direct face time with Mom and Dad.

In short, you desire to feel seen, heard, and validated. This is more pronounced when you’re a child and unable to meet all of your needs alone. 

Even more, you’re biologically wired to seek a sense of belonging, connection, and acceptance. This is because at our core we’re a tribal, or, community-centric species. Centuries ago, you wouldn’t survive if you weren’t a part of a tribe. 

We evolved over the centuries because of the programming evolution that took place to hardwire us to seek community (and to avoid anything that would lead to us being judged, abandoned, or rejected by said community - more on that in a minute).

Perfectionism is a developed personality trait born out of having your core needs go unmet during childhood to not only have those core needs met, but to fit in and feel a sense of connectedness and belonging within your community (e.g., your family).

“Perfectionism provides a sense of meaning and direction for the powerless and unsupported child. In the guise of self-control, striving to be perfect offers a sense of control.”

– Peter Walker

Perfectionist Tendencies Pronounced

The more siblings you have, the less attention and energy you received from your parents (compared to being an only child). 

There was simply only so much to give!

If you have siblings, and, specifically if you’re the oldest, you likely struggle with a desire to please others and to be perfect more than a person who’s not the oldest or who doesn’t have siblings.

Why?

For the first part of your childhood, all eyes were on you.

You received an abundance of love and were made to feel extra special. The minute your first sibling was born, that time, energy, and attention got cut in half. If you have more than one sibling, that amount was further reduced when your next sibling was born.

The less energy and time you received from your parents influenced the likelihood that your core needs were unmet, which increased the likelihood that you developed a pattern of behaviors to meet those needs.

As a result: you’re far more prone to perfectionistic tendencies if you have siblings, especially, if you’re the oldest.

Personally speaking, I’m the oldest of four. I can tell you definitively that I have stronger Type A, perfectionistic tendencies compared to my three younger siblings.

However, it’s worth noting that each family is different. Another trend I’ve observed in my coaching is that the perfectionistic pull is quite strong in those who are the youngest siblings, too. Again, this has to do with the lack of attention received, thus, the likelihood of core needs going unsatisfied.

This often occurs when there’s a large age gap between siblings or if one of the older siblings is uber-successful and both parents are heavily involved and focused on him or her the youngest sibling is made to feel like an afterthought. 

Reminder: The 10-Day Unstuck Yourself Challenge kicks off on Monday, March 4. 

The 10-Day Unstuck Yourself Challenge is intended to help you understand where, why, and how you're stuck while also empowering you with the awareness, tools, and strategies essential to get unstuck so you can unlock your full potential.

Reserve your spot here.

Perfectionism Masks Fear

In my previous newsletter, “Dissecting Fear,” I introduced you to the concept of the Fear JAR.

As a quick refresher:

Each of us, myself included, is biologically hardwired with three core fears, what I like to refer to as the Fear JAR.

• Fear of Judgment.

• Fear of Abandonment.

• Fear of Rejection.

But in short, each of these core fears is rooted in helping your survival.

Remember - your ancestor’s lives depended on being a part of a tribe. Anything that risked being kicked out of the tribe induced a deep-rooted sense of fear to serve as a red flag to stop the behavior immediately because the consequence of being ostracized from the tribe was death.

• If your tribe judges you for your behavior, the risk of being kicked out exponentially increases.

• If your tribe does abandon you, well, it’s likely a matter of days before you’re impending death.

• And, of course, if you are rejected by your tribe, you’re ultimately abandoned, and, well, death.

Bleek times, I know.

And, again, I’m right here with you: these seem too primal, simple, and silly to be prevalent today.

But they are.

And, they’re powerful AF.

“At its root, perfectionism isn’t really about a deep love of being meticulous. It’s about fear. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of disappointing others. Fear of failure. Fear of success.”

– Michael Law

When your core needs go unmet during childhood, you develop a fear of never having them met that may be masked by perfectionistic tendencies. 

When you engage in a behavior that gives you the attention, validation, or connection from your parents that you’re seeking, you become so fearful of losing it that this behavior that met said need is marked as “important AF” by your brain, therefore, making it a tendency and eventually a habit. 

Can you relate?

Meet the Perfectionist Part of You

If I had to distill my action steps to begin making peace with the perfectionist in you in five key points, I’d share the following with you:

1. Acceptance that perfection doesn’t exist and is an illusion.

2. Heal emotional wounds (meet those core needs).

3. Reframe mistakes to be seen as learning lessons.

4. Create and foster a sense of safety around making mistakes.

5. Permit yourself to be less than perfect.

However, I know it’d be infinitely more helpful to give you a path to gain more clarity on how, when, and why this part of you came to be.

To gain that clarity, I recommend you find a quiet space and allow yourself to let go, relax, and let your mind drift to answer the following questions…

• When you think about this need to be perfect, what do you notice in your body? Where do you notice this feeling?

• When is the first time you remember feeling a need to be perfect? Consider connecting with that physical feeling as you reflect (it can accelerate your ability to connect back to times you felt this way at a faster speed).

• What was going on in your life?

• How were you spending your time?

• What was your relationship with your parents like? Your siblings? Your friends?

• Were your core needs met?

• What did your younger self need to hear at this time?

My first memory of feeling like I needed to be perfect came between the ages of nine and ten. As a math nerd who loved games, I became quite competitive with the game Challenge 24.

If you’re not familiar with it, the object of the game is to be the first (among four to six players) to place your finger in the middle of the card (a proctor places the card in front of all players). Then, you must use all four numbers on the card to arrive at the number 24.

For example, a card may include the number, eight, four, three, and three.

Solution: 

• (4-3) = 1

• (1x3) = 3

• (3x8) = 24

You’re welcome ;)

Anyway, I remember how proud my parents were of me after I won a school-wide tournament.

I also vividly remember the absence of that feeling when I did not win the next tournament.

This feeling - unconsciously I might add - propelled me to wake up before school every morning for the next month to practice. In essence, I memorized every card in the deck so that I could simply concentrate on placing my finger in the middle as soon as the proctor placed the card down.

I never lost another tournament…

At this time in my life, I was the oldest of three - soon to be four - children. As my siblings aged and began engaging in their interests and extracurriculars, I received less and less attention.

My mind registered that doing well in these tournaments got me the attention I sought, therefore, I developed a pattern of behaviors to maximize success in this area. 

If I could speak to this younger version of me - which I have consistently during hypno-mindset and performance coaching - I’d remind him that he’s lovable as he is and that I’m proud of him for putting in the work to do his best. And that perfection is not necessary to be loved.

Your Next Step

Take your time to review both part one and part two of this perfection paradox series. 

Then, set aside at least 30 minutes to answer the prompts I shared above. The clarity you glean will be a catalyst in helping you make peace with this part of you while also easing your ability to let go of the unnecessary need to be perfect. 

Also - my recent podcast episode details this topic, too. If you would like to listen to this information, you may do so here.

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Thank you for reading this week’s newsletter.

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