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- The Perfection Paradox
Your quest for perfection is borne out of wanting to feel seen, heard, and validated.
You long to feel loved, connected, and accepted; like you belong.
Your perfectionism tendencies are a collection of learned thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors intended to help you feel the above.
As a result, you develop a set of tendencies that push you toward setting and pursuing unrealistic expectations. You become emotionally inflexible, manipulative, stressed out, and exhausted.
You’re difficult to work with, miserable to be around, and miss out on the abundance of precious moments life has to offer because you’re preoccupied (obsessed) with the smallest of things (which don’t matter in the big picture).
The irony of your quest for perfectionism is that it…
Drains your energy
Erodes your attention
Increases the likelihood of errors
Reduces your adaptability and emotional flexibility
Creates indecisiveness
Creates unnecessary resistance toward your goal
Yikes.
Do you feel called out?
Today’s newsletter kicks off a two-part deep dive into perfectionism and its dark side. Today, we’ll dive into the good and the bad of perfectionism, and I’ll share a handful of thought-provoking prompts for you to chew on to begin understanding how much your perfectionism tendencies have hurt and cost you (and others).
Reminder: The 10-Day Unstuck Yourself Challenge kicks off on Monday, March 4.
The 10-Day Unstuck Yourself Challenge is intended to help you understand where, why, and how you're stuck while also empowering you with the awareness, tools, and strategies essential to get unstuck so you can unlock your full potential.
P.S. My recent podcast episode details this topic, too. If you would like to listen to this information, you may do so here.
Pop Quiz! How Strong Are Your Perfectionism Tendencies?
Before you continue reading this week’s newsletter, I want you to take out a piece of paper and something to write with.
Number your page from one to ten.
Then, read each statement below and rate it on a scale of one to five to describe their accuracy and relatability to you.
5 = strong relatability
1 = not relatable
IMPORTANT: Write down your first instinct (even if it hurts to admit...)
I’m only satisfied with my work when it’s perfect.
I thrive on validation from others; I feel discouraged when my efforts fail to draw praise.
I’d rather do nothing than do something imperfectly.
I have a hard time making decisions and taking action when faced with uncertainty.
I dislike working in groups because I’m unable to ensure everything is done flawlessly.
I must always be in control, and feel anxious and uncomfortable when I’m not.
I never ask for help because it makes me feel incompetent.
I constantly correct people, pointing out their mistakes (even trivial ones).
I abandon projects when I suspect the results will be less than perfect.
When I reflect on my life, I see a past filled with failures and mistakes rather than successes and wins.
Next Step: Add up your total score.
Below is a description for various score ranges to help you better understand how strong your perfectionist tendencies are (and how counterproductive they may be).
1 - 15: your inner perfectionist is well under control.
16 - 30: your perfectionist behavior influences your outlook and interactions with others.
31 - 40: your perfectionism has a major impact on your self-worth.
41 - 50: you constantly feel stressed, anxious, discouraged, and even depressed; you never feel good or smart enough.
Where’d you come in?
How does it feel to bring greater clarity to this truth?
Take a moment to write down the accompanying thoughts and feelings present upon seeing your score.
Note: this quiz was borrowed from author Damon Zahariades, specifically, from his book, “The Joy Of Imperfection: A Stress-Free Guide To Silencing Your Inner Critic, Conquering Perfectionism, and Becoming The Best Version Of Yourself!”
Grab a copy here (not an affiliate link).
Perfectionism Defined
Perfectionism is a set of self-defeating thought patterns that push you to achieve unrealistic goals, which you falsely believe to be attainable.
Perfectionism is a personality trait - a collection of thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors - that is characterized by a tendency to set extremely high, rigid, or flawless goals and place excessive demands on oneself and others.
There are three core types of perfectionism.
Self-Oriented: When you demand perfection of yourself.
Other-Oriented: When you demand perfection from others.
Socially-Prescribed: When you feel pressure from others to be perfect.
You likely identify with each of these three types, yet, specifically with one more than the other.
For example, for a long time, I battled what felt like a need to present perfectly to others. This was borne out of a need to be liked; to be seen, heard, and accepted. I’d go to great lengths to get others to like me, which led to sacrificing self-care, and overstepping my boundaries (or not having any) all in the name of getting someone to like me.
In my professional life, this led to undercharging, giving away too much time (and value) for free, and eventual burnout and exhaustion.
Can you relate?
What’s interesting, is that your collective perfectionism tendencies are a group of learned behaviors formed to protect you...
Perfectionism is Helpful - Until it’s Not…
As we’ll dig into more in next week’s newsletter, your perfectionism tendencies were created to protect you and fulfill a need. Although these collective behaviors may have served you - even helped you - for some time, they eventually reached a point in which they became counterproductive.
Researchers typically describe perfectionism tendencies in one of two ways.
Adaptive perfectionism involves conscientiousness, organization, striving for excellence, and ambitious goals. There’s a deep knowing that true perfection doesn’t exist; instead, the quest is excellence in every action and result.
Adaptive perfectionism is linked to career success, high self-esteem, happiness, and greater life satisfaction. A Harvard Business Review article described adaptive perfectionism as "excellence seeking."
Think about this for a moment…
How have your perfectionism tendencies helped you?
Personally, this part of me helped to create and nurture a tenacious work ethic, which ultimately led to strong (and fast) professional career (and financial) growth.
Conversely, there’s what’s known as maladaptive perfectionism, which involves an intense desire for others’ approval, unrealistic expectations, negative self-talk, false (unnecessary) pressure, and guilt; it’s unhealthy.
This is the dark side of perfectionism.
Maladaptive perfectionism is tied to low confidence, fear of failure, and poor outcomes in relationships and overall well-being.
You’re never satisfied with what you achieve and, if something isn't perfect, you dismiss it.
A Harvard Business Review article described maladaptive perfectionism as
"failure avoiding."
Take a moment to think about how your perfectionism tendencies have hurt you…
What have they cost you?
Gulp.
I know - a tough realization.
Reminder: The 10-Day Unstuck Yourself Challenge kicks off on Monday, March 4.
The 10-Day Unstuck Yourself Challenge is intended to help you understand where, why, and how you're stuck while also empowering you with the awareness, tools, and strategies essential to get unstuck so you can unlock your full potential.
Perfectionism Plagues You
Once this collection of thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors no longer serve you, they quickly become counterproductive. Here’s a short list of the many ways your perfectionism tendencies are hurting you.
If you’re a perfectionist, you’re more likely to…
Procrastinate and engage in avoidance behaviors
To be indecisive
Struggle to delegate (to maintain control)
See the negative or wrong of a situation (poor self-esteem)
See success as short-lived and unfulfilling
Be difficult to work with
Even more, if your job requires you to lead, speak, manage, or present in some capacity, you’ll struggle with…
Decreased access to the flow state
Reduced emotional flexibility
Decreased risk aversion
Reduced creativity
And a never-ending quest to please others
Yikes.
What stands out most to you?
Perfectionism-Shame Cycle
“Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought:
If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.”
– Brené Brown
If you identify as a perfectionist, the collection of feelings and behaviors found below will feel familiar…
Anxiety
Shame
Depression
Fear (failure, judgment)
Unhappiness
Low self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence.
Uncertainty
Need for control
Collectively, it’s these feelings that keep you stuck in the perfectionism, cycle, which can be described as follows:
You think that if you can be perfect you’ll feel better (or meet a need).
You set unrealistic goals.
You fail to achieve these goals.
You lose trust in yourself and begin speaking unkindly to yourself.
You feel a collection of shame, fear, and judgment.
And it’s these feelings that eventually spark the thought mentioned in step one - and on goes the cycle yet again!
Your Next Step
In next week’s newsletter, I’ll detail how, when, and when this perfectionist part of you came to be. I’ll also share detailed action steps to help you better understand this part of you so that you can choose to part ways with it (or teach it to begin working for you, rather than against you).
For now, review the quiz questions and journal prompts I sprinkled throughout this newsletter to gain further clarity on how these tendencies are in fact hurting and costing you.
Reminder: The 10-Day Unstuck Yourself Challenge kicks off on Monday, March 4.
The 10-Day Unstuck Yourself Challenge is intended to help you understand where, why, and how you're stuck while also empowering you with the awareness, tools, and strategies essential to get unstuck so you can unlock your full potential.
You can’t change unless you change.
Thank you for reading this week’s newsletter.
Interested in learning more about how I help high-performers just like you unstuck themselves and unlock their full potential?
Apply to work with me and schedule a coaching discovery call here.
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